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sleep / crossroads

I've been trying to force myself into a decent sleep schedule, for around a month now. Failing miserably. Stayed up all night a couple times recently from insomnia. Am sure why once. Thinking I know why tonight too. So I'm going to attempt to vent it out here.

I'm feeling more and more panic about turning the big three zero this year, as I feel it running up on me. Along for the ride, is the awareness of being completely unsatisfied with my life. You know that tiger man dream I had a few days ago? Been feeling like the tiger man that comes out of the painted sculpture, represents my unrealized artistic ambitions. And now, more than ever, it's come to prevent me from achieving peaceful slumber.

Can't stop thinking about music, music equipment and modifications. If you've been reading my lj lately, you probably know that I've finally reached a major crossroads in my life. My parents have recently made me aware of the fact, that I have a good sized chunk of money(providing the government doesn't rape my ass with taxes, when I try to cash it) waiting for me, if I choose to sell my share of the family farm.

So I mentioned in this journal, that I'd probably use it to move to, and get settled into California. But doubt has crept into my mind. Suppose I have trouble finding decent work in Cali. What if I blow my money on the cost of living out there, and am forced to return empty handed. I refuse to give up on going to school there. But suppose I can better myself here first.

Which brings me to my other option. I've been having a bunch of ideas for making art noise. Maybe I should spend enough money to get all the most needed equipment. I wouldn't go hog wild, and spend it quickly. I'd make sure to learn how to use each piece of equipment after it was purchased, before buying another, while keeping an eye out for any good deals for the rest. I can't think of a good reason why I shouldn't do that. If I adequately learn how to properly bring that together, what's stopping me from writing and performing my own original music? If that turns out to be a success, I could make a living on gigs. I'd go to the electronic music class at Columbus State. Then I'd move to Cali.

I need to consult with the talented and wise molkos_bitch.

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