January 26th, 2006


broken record

Increased medication today. Saw counselor yesterday. Cried eyes out. Said I need to figure out how to fix myself. She asked, "Are you broken?" I feel like I am. My life feels over. Everything seems overwhelming. I'm scared. Was screaming "I hate myself" in my head again. So sick of my life. Everytime I look back, I see a wasted life. I look forward and see the vast mountain I should've somehow started climbing over a decade ago. Then I doubt my ability to start. It seems as though my life is constantly sliding further down hill.

She says not to look at the past, or worry about future. Just to take on things a day at a time. Adding that I need to fight all the negative self talk and ideas, when I catch myself thinking them.

That'd be all good. Except I told her, I don't see how I'll be able to take any steps to making my life better, when it takes me all day to get ready to leave the house. I feel like I've tried fighting my negative self talk so many times. I've started doubting if it's even possible, when it's like denying the truth. Then she reminds me that it's all in my mind. Her going, sure you've had ideas that haven't worked out, but you can find the right way.

I hope she's right. Sometimes I wonder how much help this counseling is actually doing. But it gets me out of the house at least once a week. I usually feel a bit better after crying there. Not the last time though. Later zjon held me, while we talked. Did my best to enjoy that while it lasted.

I hate this goddamn pit.
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